Hard Times

I generally like to keep things sort of non-personal here on my book blog. But to explain why I've been gone and why I won't be back for a while, I need to give you some personal information.

A few months ago my husband and I went to the doctor for our 20 week ultrasound. This is the big one where they tell you the gender of your baby, and in our case babies. We were so excited. They'd told us they thought both babies were girls, but it was sort of too early to tell.

In the course of the ultrasound, we soon realized that something wasn't quite right. The technician was quiet and asked us strange questions about my pregnancy history (she was a new technician we hadn't seen before). She confirmed that one of the twins was a girl, but the other one was being modest and she couldn't quite see.

When we saw the doctor, she explained that Baby A (the modest twin) had low fluid surrounding her. This was partially the reason why the technician couldn't see the gender. We would later discover that "low fluid" was a euphemism for no fluid. Troubled, we were sent home and I was put on bed rest. A few days later, I had an appointment with a perinatologist - a doctor who specializes in high risk pregnancies.

The news we got was shattering: Our baby was dying.

The doctor wanted to see us later that week at a hospital in Salt Lake City, but he told us the baby would probably be gone by then.

I cannot even attempt to tell you what life was like for us after that.

Later that week, we met with the specialist again. This time, the news was a little more hopeful. The baby was still alive. She was still fighting and working hard to create more fluid, but it seemed as if nature was against her. Basically she was lying on the cord, which restricted her blood flow, making it more difficult to create fluid and thrive. And since there was no fluid, she was putting more weight than normal on the cord, which compressed it even further cutting off her supply even more.

The doctor gave her a 5% chance of survival. He put me on side bed rest (meaning I had to lay on my side at all times as this improved my circulation) and told me it probably wouldn't do much, but it was the only thing we could do to help.

I admit, we were hopeful. The doc had told us the baby wouldn't survive the week, and she had! A 5% chance was still a chance, right?!

A little over a week later, we went in for another ultrasound.

The baby was gone.

We have no words to express how saddened we are by losing one of our precious children. Life is a little confusing at the moment. To say that our world has been turned upside down would be putting it lightly. To say that nothing will ever be the same is probably a fair assumption. Some days are hard, some days are better. We have our sweet little boy who is just magical and brings us so much joy. We recently celebrated his 2nd birthday, and he makes us laugh every day. We are also mourning the loss of our baby while still fighting to keep our Baby B safe and healthy. I'm nearly 28 weeks pregnant, and we're hoping to make it to at least 32 weeks. Every day I wake up and think, "You made it one more day. Only 30 more days. Please, you can do it."

We are trying very hard to stay positive. Baby girl has been healthy and strong this whole time, and we pray she stays that way. We are, indeed, counting our many blessings.

So what does this have to do with my book blog?

Well, the moment we found out that our baby was in trouble (which was about 2 months ago), I stopped reading and haven't picked up a book since. That's a lie. I started to try to get back into reading about a week ago, but I made it about 2 chapters into a book and had to put it down. I just don't have the emotional stamina to devote to recreational reading. I am not sure that I will for a while.

And there it is. I have no idea how long I'll be gone from the blogging world, but I hope to start back up someday.

Thank you for your support, and I will keep you updated when I can. Pin It